Where school is about to start, and the faculty are about to set up their classrooms for the coming year, we decided that it was time to tell the staff. I had already figured that they'd be able to figure it out on their own soon enough, but telling them before they arrived allowed them to let the mental dust settle before we met face to face. So in an hour I kicked out a letter, had it reviewed, and then included in the beginning of year packet that is mailed out... Below is that letter. I'm told it is well written and touching..I'm never sure how to take that. If it helps you write your own letter about something someday, I will be happy, even without the knowledge.
To my fellow colleagues,
This letter has taken a while to write. In brief term, a few weeks. In longer terms, about 45 years.
After a personal crisis, depression, and other factors, I felt I could no longer live the life I had, with “live” being the operative word. I had fought feelings within myself and dealt with them as I could until recently. As of this Spring I began transitioning from Roy to Alissia. Yes, I am transgendered and a transsexual. I am on hormones and am facing a number of surgeries in my future.
To answer briefly some questions you might have, this was not an easy decision. I don’t know of anyone who has made this decision without coming to the point that it is a choice between accepting it, or ending it permanently. The gender change I am embarking on is a process that will be ongoing over the next 2-3 years. My clothing and demeanor with change to some extent, becoming more in line with the gender I identify with. Upon returning this fall you will probably note some of those changes, both in clothing and physical appearances.
Some people will be using the name I will be transitioning to, Alissia Megan Rose-Pait, while others will continue to use my old name as they adapt. This year I will answer to both. As of the end of the school year, I will completely stop using my old name. Some of the faculty and staff are already aware of these developments and have been overwhelmingly caring and supportive. I understand this is a change for all my colleagues, as it is for me. I do ask that you treat me in a respectful, professional manner and approach me directly with any questions you or your students might have.
As to questions you might have, I am open to answering them. This is a challenging time for all of us, as in a way, we all will be transitioning. I wish to make it through this process with dignity and grace. Most of all, I do not wish to be a “cause celeb” or the service activity for the year, but rather I wish to try and just be who I am.
I thank you for your understanding and patience during the process.
So we move the line a bit farther..and mark our progress as we grow.From this place in the middle where we aren't fish nor fowl, nor fine red wine....
....to there.
Woo...big, big step. You will be in our prayers and thoughts as time passes. Please by all means, keep us up dated through this blog and other means as to the ripple effects of this letter on your life and the lives of those around you. I find you to be incredibly brave, though you may not feel so, or think of your self as such. I mean - yes, you are doing what you must when all other options have narrowed down quite literally to do or die. So is it bravery in such a choice or situation. Well, yes. I think that it is. Blessings be to you and all our love.
ReplyDeleteAlissa, beloved friend,
ReplyDeleteI come from a family of 16 school teachers. Most people who aren't teachers aren't aware of the culture of teaching, and are limited to their own memories of school. The two are entirely different.
I can only imagine the courage it took to write this letter, which is only superceded by the courage it takes to walk into the classroom, breakroom, hallway of your school day after day. I had imagined you working in a nice cubicle somewhere, where only office gossip and hopeful goodwill would surround you. I had not imagined, not in my wildest dreams, that you teach.
I'm filled questions, myself. The age of the students. The culture you are surrounded by. Allies who support you. Administration attitudes. Your own misgivings. And most of all your students.
May the Lady bless your journey, lighten your load, ease your path. May you find the courage, the wisdom, the bravery you need for the smallest as well as the largest challenges. May you be surrounded by the courage of the Goddess, the strength of the warrior Goddesses, and the grace of God.
As to those around me, they have either ignored it, and just dealt with me as they have in the past, chose to call me by my chosen name, but otherwise no change, or dropped and left cards expressing their support. Nothing negative so far. A number of comments about how well written it was.
ReplyDeleteDue to the nature of the environment, those that have issues will probably still treat ne to my face in a professional manner.
As to the plethora of questions (Megan says I use a lot of big words...personally I just think the world is too small), answers as I can give them and flesh them out.
In describing the school and culture, based on my location it will be fairly easy to figure out where I work. On the other hand I have taken no real measures to hide who I am. I think it's way too late for that.
I work as the Network Administrator, teach C++, game design, and until recently was an advisor in the upper school. The School itself is a 7-12 grade college prep, all girl school, high end. We have 100% matriculation to 4 year colleges including MIT, BU, UNC, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, etc. And the parents pay dearly for what the school can do for their daughters if they have the right stuff. The school isn't for everyone, and there are tests and interviews of the family and then the students alone to see if this is really where they wish to be and if the School will be a fit for them. We have an extremely low attrition rate.
The School prides itself on diversity, understanding, inclusion and acceptance. The Head of the School especially believes in these things.
Allies. When I first stopped fighting, I contacted a teacher who I'd know for years and was fairly out. We chatted and I explained. They felt that the school would support me. Over the next 2-3 months I contacted 3 others. The Advisor for the G/S Alliance, the school counselor, and a liberal teacher and social activist on the benefits committee.
Following my initial contact at the school I also created my facebook page. With it I started contacting alums. As you can see from my 'friends' list most are alums. And most were in my advisory at one point or another. I had almost instant support from them. Quite a few made comments about things they would do if the school did not support me. Further in a number of heart wrenching missives they told me how much I had meant to many of them and that they would not had made it through high school without me being there for them.
(cont)
I was beyond touched. Many were misfits in the school that I embraced and supported, feeling like a misfit myself. They gave me life as the passed through my life. Many were lesbians who could be open and honest (and even date within the group without fear) in my area. It was a place to just be without the pressure. To be able to explore and release. I loved them and it seems they loved me. I was surprised as more and more contacted me about being friends.
ReplyDeleteThey were and are my greatest support system.
The administration has been very supportive. I don't think that they would have had an option of not doing so as it would make the School appear to be hypocritical based on public statements that have been made over the years. We worked out sending this leter to the staff, before start of school meetings so that they could wrap their minds around it before they showed up. I have volunteered to do a Q&A if they would like.
Misgivings. None. I did what I had to do. It was no longer a choice. Once I accepted this path I put myself fully on it. There was no going back, there was no putting it back in the box. I had talked with a few transpeople that I knew (I realize it is unusual for a non to know any transpeople, let alone multiple..a clue perhaps?). They had said that I should only choose this path if I had no alternative. Ok, I was there. They also said be prepared to loose EVERYTHING because you can and some have. A good friend Beth transitioned in Maryland, and lost house, car, job, wife, and lets not forget the family court judge who in the custody hearing banned her from ever seeing her son again...
So I knew the possible cost. Once I was at the point that I had to move forward, there were no more misgivings about what I had to do. The only misgivings wee for not doing it sooner and for putting my friends and family through this. For they have had there own transition, and they didn't get a choice.
My students. I've talked about the alums... but the current students? I don't know. Honestly we wait now. It was a concious choice not to inform them, but let it spread and answer questions as they come up. We feel that this was it won't be one massive shock. The reality is that I know that a few students already know...seeing as they friended me already.... and surprisingly (not) they are for the most part young lesbians. I am touched. But we will have to wait and see. As Cameron saw I have been shopping and have almost a full wardrobe. I will need more as time goes one, but for the last week I have been working in female clothes from head to toe....and surviving. We still have construction workers on site as well as consultants and network wonks. All have taken it in stride. This is LA after all......
So I wait for the shoe to drop.
Thank you for your caring and support.
Alissia,
ReplyDeletewe are on our way to bed as we read this...we could not let it go unanswered..we are in awe, we are amazed, we think that you are beautiful! We will be mulling over your long thoughtful reply, and will comment fully tomorrow!
Blessings, and love
Dreamweaver and Cameron
Hi again!! Meg's here I just wanted to say Ali!! my love I am here as always our loves grows stronger as summer goes longer your out side is a special as your inside to me I love you in all ways and all phases of your transformation and mine . I am very proud of you I think your bravest lady I have ever met and well to be honest My heroin and yes you do use BIG words did I tell you I love you lately
ReplyDeletejust in case Alissia I Love you all my love and kisses XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXX Love always Meg's