From here....
I read a post from Dreamweaver a number of days ago, and I wanted to respond to it, but couldn't find the words that fit..I still don't know that I have. She was commenting on her and Cameron's experiences in a class where he came in to talk about trans issues, as did a couple of others. She voiced some concerns and then her own epiphony about those concerns. Below is my response to that, written after spending some time with the ex when dropping off an old photo of her. It started fine, but ended poorly, with both of us upset. And it's not her fault or mine...it just is....
I paused on posting a comment on this when I first read it. I wanted to think about my response, and try to find a way to be articulate...I don't know that I have, but after reading Cameron's take on the event I felt like I could without anyone feeling I put words into there....blog? (and the new building project has kept me away from any down time other than with Megan.)
The love between the two of you is palpable. You see it in both of your writings. It pours out on the page. You see it in the photographs.
I've seen that writing before. I've seen those photographs....I've been in them. We were the couple everyone envied. And it wasn't a lie...it still isn't. But I've realized and put word to it that we on this side of the relationship never transition alone. Our spouses, lovers, children, friends and co-workers transition with us as well.... albeit unwillingly.
......My wife who I still love very much and who still loves me very much is still looking for door number three. And I don't see that there is one..... I've already transitioned.
And I -THINK- SammieJoe scared you because part of it may have been that feeling on your part. Is there a door number 3? Has Cameron already transitioned? What about us? What about me?
And if my thoughts are true, those are exceptionally valid ways to feel. These days it is my firm belief that the moment someone says to themselves "I am trans", they are, and they have. They've stepped over that mystical threshold between the nominative world and ...well..the twilight zone. My feeling based on this reasoning is that Cameron has transitioned.
Has he modified his structure? Not to my knowledge. But he's not the first transperson I've met who hasn't, but still identifies as the opposing gender to their physique.
Is Cameron different from the person you fell in love with? When he holds you close do you feel any different? Does a pronoun make that much difference?
So if he's basically the same person you fell in love with, how far through the transition are you willing to go, given what you probably already know about FtM transitions? Is there some line in the sand?
If not, don't doubt him or you. He still loves you deeply, and that will never change...or at least not because of this. You will be who he wants for the rest of his life. To be by his side. To be the last person he sees before he sleeps and the first person he seeing when he wakes....
I wish I was as lucky as you and Cameron. I dearly love Megan..... but I also still love my wife. And I know if she hadn't made it clear that she couldn't be beside me on this path I would never have left, and never have been with Megan. I love them both now.... I just know one of them can't live with me, and it hurts deeply...even when I tell her I understand.
Love him always... for both of you. What you have will never come again.
....to there.
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When Cameron and I first started dating, I told her that she was the best of both worlds with her blend of male and female aspects. Her previous partner shied away from the growing awareness of the essential maleness that makes her so profoundly trans. I celebrated her maleness and revelled in her femaleness. I found her juxtapositions profoundly sensual, sexual, and amazing.
ReplyDeleteShe is transitioning daily, but so much of that is simply part of her spiritual journey, as Carl Jung would say, her individuation. If she becomes he, by identity and driver's license, then so be it. Some of that journey is to be laid my feet, through the many times I told her that she had to be herself, when I encouraged her self-exploration, when I reveled in the dualities. So if she walks that mysthical path, then I will also continue to grow, to wrestle with self-identity, and continue to love just the same.
Certainly there would be protest of the loss of identity as lesbian. That identity, for me, has become a celebration and embracing of feminisist spirit, revolution, my own transition. It has become a spiritual place where I embody Goddess and am called to be her Preistess. Esentially, nothing would truly change, and yet everything would transform again. Yes, I fear it. But fear has never stopped me.
I grieve for you and your ex-wife. Partings are so painful. Take space, allow yourselves to heal. The love of marriage needs to be rebirthed into something new. Six months, twelve months, eighteen months from now, the conversations might be kinder, the sweetness less bitter. Rather than picking at scabs, the scars will have time to form. And I think of those scars as Warrior Woman scars. The marks of our battles, the testiment to our survival.
While engagement might be required for the children, let her know you need space. Don't enter into conversations about anything that isn't about the children. You can be friends later, when things hurt less (lesbians are always friends with their ex's). If there's something she needs to know, write down, press the note in her hand as you leave. Tell her to read and respond. Leave messages on voicemail. It's those space where we week to talk, to understand, that are still so painful that the pain takes the space unto itself. I have two sons. I remember.
May the Lady guide you and keep you, know that your place in the universe is a bright space, sacred and whole.
I thank you for your kind thoughts. Being a strange mix of agnostic and Pagan leaves me often with the feeling of having the Goddess watching me, or touching my life....along with the ancient ones that I communed with, chatted with and on occasion railed at in the middle of the night on a dark hillside, watching the moon reflect off of the clouds below.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
I will reply more when it's not 1:20 in the morning and I am getting up at 5 am...but I will respond.
Be safe and well,
and give Cam a hug...he needs it.
--A
Very nicely written, Alissia. I think you found your words just fine. I wish I could express myself even half as well as you, Grace and Cameron do. Sigh...But, hey, I'm still swimming. :-)
ReplyDelete