Without a net.....

From here.......

I answered the phone. Hello. The voice on the other end, melodic and familiar. My ex."Um...hi.. do you know someone in ______ Ontario Canada?' mind clicks...oh....phone bill. We still share the same plan. "uh yeah, I'll pay for those.".."Um..ok" click.

I look at the ceiling above my desk and count. At about 74 it rings again...."Hi Jill"...."Why didn't you tell me? I shouldn't find out like this..." . This is where I am about to burst into I didn't know about it until 3 weeks ago!...but no..."It's a friend I met online that needed help" - time to lay one the guilt- "Oh? You can spend hours late at night, but can't make time for your kids?" 'Again I resist saying 'Well if they're up at 12:30 in the morning I'll give them a call!'...but no again...."She needed help...to talk..to work things out"....pause...accusation time "What is your relationship?" Come on...why don't you just go ahead and ask if we're sleeping together? You know you want to.

Things always sound better in my head. Late at night, which is when she always wanted to have the big discussions and I was exauhsted,,,,the filters no longer stop me..I think it, I say it. Which is probably why these get written then...My walls are down, the dam is burst, and it is all coming flooding out. Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Chris Rock...look out..this isn't pretty.

And at the same time Megan is IM'ing me and my boss is watching and listening...fuck. The filters drop....bad idea. "Look, we seperated 3 months ago, and really we'd been living seperately in the same house for a month before that! Life goes on."...pause..wait for it...."I thought it would be respectful if we didn't date until our relationship was over..". - Again my head screams, 'IT WAS OVER 4 MONTHS AGO...you're like the corpse that keeps on walking after it's dead, not knowing yet that they are dead!'...but no.

Um...wow....About those filters....
(considers deleting at least the last paragraph, but doesn't....this is the stream, it's what it is.)

An hour later on the drive home...now let's observe this for a moment....I work till 5 PM M-F, ok? And at or about 5 PM I walk to my car and drive home. Nods. It takes an hour to an hour and a half to get to the condo....Add to this that it is dangerous and illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving...Why has she always thought it a good idea to call me at around 5:15-5:45 PM? This isn't something new, this is 5 years.

As I was saying, the phone rings....well, does it's wierd cosmic ring tone, ok? It's her....sorry she got mad, but we need better communication...um, do you think we might have still been together if that happened way back when? What is the relationship status..not going into how well -that- went....I need to respect her, and I seem to be shedding the family along with my old gender clothes. I drop my head and then sit up and sigh.....You mean when I come over to see them she locks herself in her bedroom? That the kids are afraid I will....and do...show up in what they consider gender inappropriate clothes? That I stopped calling to see if they wanted to get together when almost everytime they sat like lumps, or wanted to talk about anything but the elephant in the room (I'm not -that- fat!). What ever. And OMG, earrings and a purse?

So she gets around to saying, would I like to go up to see the youngest at camp. This is after telling me earlier that she couldn't spend 5 hours in a car with me to go see him, which left me in the position of either being an asshat by driving up without her, or being an asshat by letting her go up without me and disappointing the kid, or driving up there seperately, trying to see him while both of us are trying to avoid each other! Yeah.... I shake my head in the car where no one can see....Let's talk and think about it, ok? Sure...and by the way, could you come by and install a new light in his room? *headdashboard* - Sure.

Is there a point to all this? Not really. Venting. Tryong not to vent around Megs...she has enough going on as it is. And tonight didn't help. I'm fairly sure I was too tired and in a pissy mood. Said things I shouldn't. Not the big things, but the pushing things. And I don't want to do that with her. Are we fated to make the same mistakes throughout time? And no, before ANYONE starts thinking it, no I have never considered my relationship, my loving Megs to be a mistake, and I never will. My foot stuck down my throat is another story.

So tomorrow I go out and see Verizin about a new phone, and then talk to T-mobile about getting my name off of the account. The new plan will have (wait, you're not going to take that cheap shot to wrap this up are you? What! You are?!) US and Canada long distance free, so that I can (no...please..stop. Think of the children!) make calls, from here...

...to there.