From here......
Today was like a multitude of other Saturdays...and it wasn't. When your life changes so radically what is normal? I woke to a phone call from my ....wife. We still haven't even filled for divorce. We've been living separately for 3 months.....sleeping separately for at least half a month before that. She's finding the name of an attorney on Monday that can work with us both as we are trying to stay friends....not sure how long that will last. I don't want to hurt her more than I have.. But I also know she can't be with me on this journey, and I have someone who can and who wants to...and who also loves me. I think if she found out now she'd die. I don't want to hide my love, but I don't want to shove it in her face while she's hurting still. And she is...
She called because I'd said I'd help swap beds in my youngest's room while he was away at Band Camp. She was asking when I'd be over. After blearily answering the phone, as I'd been up till 3 AM chatting with people, and talking to Megan, both on lne and on the phone. She appologized for waking me and we set up a time. I got myself up, made the bed...putting the elf and the stuffed bear between the lace pillows. One holding the other. I logged in and checked email, facebook, answereed some stuff, added comments to blogs, and then was ready to get a shower. Unfortunately I have two other 'roommates' who use the shower, so one was already in and the other was waiting, *Sigh*.
I sat down at the desk and looked over. There were two movies I'd had for a while that had put off watching for different reasons. I told myself that I just didn't have the time, but that was just lying to myself. I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Especially one. Normal. This is an HBO film about a middleaged man who comes out to his wife as trans. I'd seen the clips and I had wondered who had videotaped my life. So deciding to try it I popped it in.
Other than being in a rural area, it was my life. It was amazing and scary at the same time. I heard them say lines that I'd heard out of my wife's and my own mouth. Who ever wrote this had to have passed through it in someway to be this eirily accurate. I was spellbound. I was watching my life play out...or rather my life crash and burn. Time came to go and I paused it. Driving over I was thinking about it when Megan called. It was wonderful hearing her voice. I knew I had a short time before I reached my wife's house, so we chatted fast. She was doing better...she'd had a bit of a melt down the night before, and I'd been worried. I hadn't waited so long for someone who understood to loose her now. We chatted til I pulled up in front of the house. With regret I told Megan I had to go.
Going inside what was my home for 14 years...seeing the woman that was my wife for 26 years, is always difficult. I still love her and always will. I just know we cant be together and she knows it also. We chatted and then I dismantled the old bed that was broken. Symbolism? Clearing a space for the new bed, we grabbed her keys and our purses and drove to Ikea. Wlking into the store I mentioned watching the first part of Normal. She turned and commented that couldn't we have one visit without me talking about something trans? I shut up. The rest of the trip was banal conversation about what bed and what light to get. We made our purchase, loaded it in her car and drove..to her house. I keep wanting to type home, but she's made it clear that it's not.
At home we unloaded the purchases and commenced building the bed. As withg most Ikea pieces, it was those wonderful pictigraphs to solve a puzzle instructions. 3? hours later it was done. She offered some ice tea as I was pouring sweat, and we sat down and chatted. Always a wrong move. She made comments about how I was effecting my son's life, and I figured it was time to leave. She complained that I left anytime she criticized me...uh....duh? It's either that or have a fight. ..... So I stayed. Finally when she was blaming me for one of our son's issues I stopped her and said he had issues that went beyond me, and that of the three he could relate the most. She looked at me stunned and then complained that as co parents I didn't tell her everything. So I told her...she was devistated. Not that the child had these issues, but rather that the child was not willing or not comfortable telling her. I said it was his choice, and said that I felt bad for not honoring it. She railed a bit at me, seemed mad, so I took my cue to leave.
I arrived home and logged in. Megan just about jumped me...if she could have through the computer she would have. We chatted on line, talked on the phone, played in SL all for about 4 hours. I love her, what can I say. We didn't plan this. She wasn't going to tell me about herself, but we fell in love. In the begining because I met her just after I 'came out' she kept telling me to work things out with my wife, but that was not to be. After moving out we became very serious...I didn't have a wife to loose anymore....I'd already lost her. Megan was there for me through all the roughest times.....And I'm there for her.
My wife called while we were chatting online. I told Megan that she was on the phone and to wait a few. I've ben hones with her about my dealings with my wife.......the 'ex' can't prefix that soon enough. I love Megan and want her with me by my side, and me by hers. She was calling to tell me I'd walked out after dropping a bombshell on her, and how could I do that? I sighed and told her she had seemed mad at me so I was removing myself from her house. She said she''d cried after I'd left and had to hide it from my eldest. Yeah, guilt, the gift that keeps on giving. We chatted and I promised to talk to my son about talking to her. She finally said ok and hung up. Meg's and I chatted for a while more, looking at houses as we did, then it was time for her to sleep, so kissed goodnight.
I kicked back and looked at the DVD. I shook my head and started it up frm where I'd left off. More of my life portrayed in the movie..that same exact lines spoken by the husband and wife. The same all consuming need to change, and the inability for anyone else to understand. The same family issues and fears. I never had a daughter, so I didn't have that part...and we aren;t staying together like they did. I was crying by the end. It ended the night before SRS. I wondered what the following days, weeks, and months held for them. I cried for my loss, and the loss of all the others who've dealt with this. And it didn't matter if a couple stays together or not, the loss is still there. I cried for Megan's loss...though she lost her family years ago, they just never talked about it and lived in the same house. I suspect that is even worse.
And then I put the movie back in it's case, safely put away. I think it would do my family good to see it if they could survive it because it hits way too close to home. The title comes from one scene where she's going to get in her dirty truck, and someone has written in the dirt on the far side where he doesn't see it "You are not normal!"
I looked at the title again with its backwards R in NOЯMAL. What is normal? Who defines it? Is there some committe that writes down in a book somewhere what is normal and what is deviant? Hmmm perhaps the APA in the DSM? Or religions intheir holy books? Or kids who scrawl it on other kids lockers? Or someone who etches it in dirt on the side of a truck? For me tonight, I'm defining normal as being yourself, being true to yourself, and becoming yourself in what ever form that takes....it's not in some book somewhere...it's not etched in stone....it just here buried in the word, buried in a hundred thousand other writings of people trying to define for themselves what is normal. This in the end is what I hold as normal....
...to there.
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I love you, honey! Thanks again for sharing this with me. I'm so honored.
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry you had to go through that... I can't even imagine.
I'm honored...a very painful, honest look at a personal moment in your life. I am struck by something. Your wife cutting you off while you were in the store - "She turned and commented that couldn't we have one visit without me talking about something trans?"
ReplyDeleteEarly on in our momentous discovery of my GID issues (and it was OUR discovery, as Dreamweaver what sitting there talking with me, when we nailed down the reality of what was going on), I was of course for a while wandering around a little like a disoriented bomb blast victim with no other thought in my head then the force of the blow which had just dissasembled my life. So of course we talked about it. (we are process queens - other people tease us about it - we consider it one of our greatest strengths!) And I talked about it. Alot. Constantly, actually. Dreamweaver was amazingly patient, up to the point where it was becoming obsessive and fired a very similiar shot at me - "This is ALL we are talking about, what about me, what about other things in our lives?"
Now, understand, there is no way to draw a hard line comparison totally between your experience and mine...like all trans/GID we have much MUCH in common. Like any two individuals, there are profound diferences in our lives, even though we are on similiar journeys (my family cousins on my moms side has 3 sets of identitcal twins stair stepped down one after the other in the generations. So I realized quickly that you can take identical twins on the exact same life journey - and come up with wildly different lives and life stories. We are slightly less than identical you and I! *grin* For one thing you are tall...*sigh*) Anyhow, sorry I am rambling.
So Dreamweaver leveled this howl at me - which I suspect has come out of every trans-person's partners mouth at some point in time, and like you, I shut up. Unlike you, I wasn't going to be able to flee...I went away and thought about it, and began working hard at becoming less monofocused. It was hard. It's still hard. But in our case, she was right - we are staying together and our relationship needs the balance of daily life. Not to mention that Dreamweaver has other isssues she's working on that do not need to get crowded out. Not to mention that for her at that point, the overwhelming focus for her in the GID/Trans scenario was FEAR! She needed to express her side, equal time. We have worked it out. I try really hard - not always successfully - to stay with give and take, focus on other issues from taking out the garbage to the fact that Dreamweavers past is weighing on her, and not let the little trans elephant stomp all over our lives. The blog helps. Talking to my therapist helps. Talking to friends helps - you're one of them, btw! My private journal helps - if I ever find a spare moment to write in it again! *wry grin* But here is where the comparison breaks down - you and your ex-wife (and she is your ex now. You're both just working on getting the legal particulars to reflect what has already occured.) are in a VERY different situation, for all that our partner's cry of the heart echoed across the miles and time. My heart breaks for you both. You have a really evil catch 22 going there - what she actually means is YOU must shut up about trans issues, but she is allowed to talk at will. You mentioned a DVD...and she shuts you down. On the other hand I notice that she brought "the elephant" back up when SHE started discussing the topic. "She made comments about how I was effecting my son's life..."
So there you are...you are silenced. She is free to talk. Bad boundaries. Difficult situation. You have a therapist. Does she? If she does, does her therapist have any knowledge of GID/Trans issues, or are they both sitting there in hour blocks of time horrified?
Oh crap...when I posted this, originally, I hit the "Your HTML cannot be accepted: Must be at most 4,096 characters" line - which is a real pain in the ass. Did the copy and paste thing - and have evidently lost the all important second half of this! AARRGH! $%&@!!!
ReplyDeleteStarting a quick reconstruction! Hang with me...
Taking a deep breath...here we go.
ReplyDeleteI have a thought. Not advice, not therapy, but a thought. I am going to let it out of it's cage for a minute here to run around. Maybe, the two of you should stop trying to be friends right now. It can't work. There is too much in the way. It's all too huge, too raw, too new; you are both still bleeding out over the devastation of your marriage. However, you cannot simply disengage, as you both have kids that you a co-parents to - not a situation that anyone can ever walk away from, even when they DO walk away from it, and certainly not when they are loving parents like you and your wife seem to be.
So maybe the focus should be on figuring out good boundaries and communication on being good, loving co-parents.
If you make that your focus, the friendship will follow in time, when scar tissue begins to form - and yeah, that will take a few years, but in healthy we're - all - on - the - same - page co-parenting, you will have built the basis for that friendship to grow.
Dreamweaver studied a therapy model a few classes back in grad school called "Brief Therapy", brief meaning here it is designed for practical solid results, and to be available as long as it is needed - if you can hammer out your difficulties in X amount of time it goes as long as it is necessary. Its goal oriented, which is great in an emergency bleed out scenario like this. There are Brief Therapy Centers, as well as Therapists trained in it - and you are looking specifically for Marriage and Family Therapists...they work with the whole family, not just individuals because none of us exist in a vacuum. We are part of systems and webs that affect each other. And if this idea interests you, an appeal to "we owe it to our kids" should give your wife a perspective to work with that would make it amenable to her. You go in and state your goals clearly - we are NOT trying to save the marriage. We ARE trying to remain good connected co-parents. We need help figuring out how to do that. The way Brief Therapy works, it takes very little time to get results - any thing from one to two visits, to 6 - 8 visits, sometimes. It's tailored not to be the narrative, emotion based therapy, but to rather throw that lifeline when you are drowning. Keep seeing other therapists for that! (and the insurace and the HMO's love Brief Therapy, for obvious reasons. LOL!)
It is heart breaking to see the pain that you and your ex-wife and kids are in. There is no way around it...it is inherent to the situation, but oh, I am so sorry you are going through this! You have mine and Dreamweavers love and prayers. I can't help but wonder if the movie "Normal" was being a bit romantic when it posited an ending where the couple stayed together - so few ever do, even though I did find some examples for my run-away trans post in my blog. I have to wonder if that happy ending honored the pain that most trans go through when things fall apart in real life...It puts a sneaky pressure on people, see, they stayed together in the movie, but we are not - what's wrong with us? Nothing. Real life is no movie.
Hang in there, keep writing! It helps!
No worries...gives me a chance to respond to this piece.
ReplyDeleteThe whole all consuming focus. I think this goes back to the myopia that we tend to suffer. It's not unusual when a person has been fighting this for years, but it's exacerbated by not having people understand. My ex still talks about not understanding when I tell her I -had- to do this.
And we didn't have the time to let her work things out. She laid down the 'make a decision by this date" which of course made my decision for me. Then she wondered why I was apt hunting. I wasn't going to change and not feel this way....there wasn't a magic pill to take. And no, the therapist isn't there to talk me out of it but rather help me understand the things inside of me.
So most of the time I talk of other things, but things will come up. And she doesn't want to hear it. It still hurts her, and I understand her pain....but she has no frame of reference to understand mine. But as you noted, she is allowed to bring it up and discuss it from her perspective. This has been an issue through out our relationship. Equal means I need to listen to her...but not that she needs to listen to me.
Sigh....let that one go...
Her therapist? She sounds goood for her...of course dumps the blame for everything on me...I don't care, it makes my ex feel better, so....shrug. Knowing about GID? I'd guess not because she doesn't know the WPATH standard of care. She told my ex I should have been in therapy for a minimum of 6 months before being allowed to take hormones!!!!!!!! So I'd say no. They talk and my ex feels better, and for her I guess that's enough.
And yes, bad boundries. I love her and care for her, but I can't be in that relationship anymore, even if I stopped today. I've realized that it was subtle and poisonous over time. She would rail that I had everthing my way, and then would manipulate things so it was her way. I'm happy....being out.....being me...and hopefully with Megan, whom my ex would deffinately not understand.
The above post was in response to Cameron's first post...by the time I had finished writing it he had already posted two more. Keeping up with his speed is difficult. So I took some time to step back....and to read what Megan had posted on her post.
ReplyDeleteSo now I am scrolling up and down again trying to take it all in. I feel I'm going to Reader's Digest this too much. What you have to say is very true....but I know that already.
My issue is how do I tell her that and still get through the divorce without it turning into the war of the roses? I suspect it will be a moot point in a couple of months. The house (my mother's) is scheduled to clear court on the 2nd of September, and close escrow the 5th. At that point I pay her a sum, she refinances the house, I sign a quit claim, and then drop most of the rest (after paying off CC debt) on a home.
And then the fun starts. Because as soon as I have a date for escrow to close I buy a plane ticket and mail it off....and the day it does close, I drive to the airport...and pick up Megan. I suspect shortly after that the proverbial shit will hit the allegorical fan.
I don't want to hurt my ex, but I don't want Megan in pain and away from me anymore than I absolutely have to. I want her out of there and relatively safe in my arms...free to be who she knows herself to be.
As to MFT's, good luck. the ex doesn't trust therapists to begin with, and on top of that the two MFT's we know personally have very fucked up families, so.... I don't think it's going to happen. If it was offered I'd go. Hell, at that point I'd bring Megan. She's just as much a part of this now. For better and for worse.
And I can just hear the accusations already, starting with how can you set such an example? You are both still married, and sleeping together...and on top of that you are both...
Yeah, fun times.
I'll keep it in mind though. Perhaps we can work out an understanding that lets us separate ourselves.... But from Dreamweaver's own paper, it will take her 3-6 years to come to terms with this.
Normal is good up to the pint that she stays with him. It happens, but very rarely. Just as someone who comes to grips with this internal dilema rarely stops and goes back to who they were.
The wife yelling "I want my husband back!!!" and the protagonist yelling back "You can't have him back, he doesn't exist anymore!" Now the passion scene just after is a bunch of Hollywood hoohaa (love that word). I went through that..I heard those words, and I said those words. That is what was painful to watch. Seeing the train wreck that is a family going through this from the outside and knowing you are powerless to stop it, either on the screen or in your own life.
So the end comes and the credits roll. And I sit there still crying. This isn't where my life was supposed to be, is it? Breaking apart my own family to survive...and then breaking up another through love? I can candy coat it or give it some great spin...but that's what it still comes back to.
And worse? I know I'd do it all over again if I was there again....
nothing changes, and the song remains the same.
Alissa Darlin,
ReplyDeleteyou said the song hasnt changed but it has its now our song *smiles* we are hand in hand joined at the heart and our minds from now till we pass on form this life and hopefully next one and ones after that *smiles I love you
you love me and thats where we are both happy
together it wont be easy but if we cominicate talk about every thing relative to each other what hurts us what makes us happy we will do just fine im sure please dont think you broke up my marraige you didnt, im very sane person iv choosen to be your wife and very pleased youwant me ill gladly talk to your therapists if you want that but i wont poke my nose in where it doesnt belong but im there when you need me and always will after all am I not your blushing Bride Smiles I love you darlin with all my heart boday and soul love always Megan Tabatha Alissia-Pait